** WARNING .... This page may contain vulgar language, nudity and/or sexual content **

Friday, January 29, 2010

Paper or Plastic

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him "Paper or Plastic" and the man said, "Uh...paper I guess.

"Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35.

The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".

a really huge muscular guy...

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

A Short love story

> A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. ............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Pilot Comdey

Thursday, January 14, 2010

A Womans Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
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THURSDAY:Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
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FRIDAY:I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.Christo wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY:Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
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SUNDAY:I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

....


Monday, January 11, 2010

Train

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Christmas Shopping..

The judge asked the defendant what he was charged with.

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," was the reply.

"That's not illegal!. How early were you shopping?"

"Before the store was open."

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

_________


The Wager..

A man walks to the bartender and bets $100 that he can piss into a shot glass placed on the opposite end of the bar and not spill a drop.

The bartender takes the bet and sets up the shot glass.

The man then starts pissing all over the bar, not even close the shot glass.

The bartender starts jumping up and down, yelling “Yahoo!”

Another man at the back of the bar suddenly grabs a chair and, swearing loudly, smashes it against the wall.

The bartender says, “What’s with him?”

The man replies, “Oh, I just bet him a thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar and make you happy.”

.....


Looks like fun...

One day, a country boy, who liked the neighbor girl found himself lucky enough to be sitting with her on the top rail of the cattle pen.

As they watched a bull servicing a cow, he turned to her, with what he hoped was a suggestive look, and said, ‘That looks like it would be fun.”

She looked over at him, and replied, rather dubiously, “Well… she’s your cow.”

Sweet Nothings...

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.’

The old man hung his head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!’

Monday, January 4, 2010

Front Fell Off

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities.

After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.

There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'

New Years Resolution

-Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
-I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
-I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
-I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
-I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.
Assure my lawyer that I will never again show up drunk at a custody hearing.
-I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....
-I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.
-I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).
-I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
-I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
-I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
-I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
-I will think of a password other than "password."
-I will not tell the same story at every get together.
-I won't worry so much.
-I will cut my hair.
-I will grow my hair.
-I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I'll tell him he stinks!
-I will be more imaginative.
-I will not hang around girls - they think you love them and that sucks.
-I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.