One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet herparents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed theirconcern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem verynice.”
“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why wouldhe be doing 500 hours of community service?”
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Mental Hospital Phone Menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)
Horse in the House
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe’s department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.
Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe’s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good Samaritan said, “I don’t want to be nosy, but this is most unusual…”
Joe said, “When my wife comes home, she’ll look in the bathroom and say, ‘There’s a horse in there!’ “
“Hey, how many times in a man’s life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, ‘I know! I know!’?”
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe’s department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.
Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe’s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good Samaritan said, “I don’t want to be nosy, but this is most unusual…”
Joe said, “When my wife comes home, she’ll look in the bathroom and say, ‘There’s a horse in there!’ “
“Hey, how many times in a man’s life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, ‘I know! I know!’?”
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Damn...
Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what waswrong.
“What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not aboutyour homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made myhomework paper into a paper airplane.”
“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But,just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking evensadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”
“What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not aboutyour homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made myhomework paper into a paper airplane.”
“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But,just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking evensadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”
Can't Sleep
The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor: ‘Oh! Don’t you sleep at night?’
Civil servant: ‘Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too
but I find it’s very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.’
Doctor: ‘Oh! Don’t you sleep at night?’
Civil servant: ‘Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too
but I find it’s very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.’
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tell Me
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Preparing for Santa
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
Fun activities for the pool
- Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
- Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
- Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
- Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
- Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
- Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
- When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
- Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say “Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.
- Hit strangers with your wet towel.
- Throw people’s things into the pool.
- Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
- Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
- Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
- Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
- Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
- Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
- Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
- Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
- When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
- Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say “Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.
- Hit strangers with your wet towel.
- Throw people’s things into the pool.
- Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
- Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
- Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
TRIX RABBIT 1958-2006
On August 17, 2006 the famous Trix rabbit finally got the children’s cereal he so craved, and was able to eat it without anyone stopping him. Within minutes, he went into toxic shock and died. Unbeknownst to him, many ingredients in the cereal were poisonous to rabbits.
“We tried again and again to warn him,” said a little girl named AshleyMurphy while fighting back tears, “Trix are for kids. He must have thought we were just being mean.”
“We heard a horrible gurgling sound, and ran into the room. The poor guy was turning every color of the rainbow, was breaking out in hives, and struggling to breathe. He then started convulsing”, said General Mills employee Billy Smith. “By the time the veterinarian ambulance arrived, it was tool late. He was already gone.”
The rabbit was just a little bunny when he first auditioned for the role of the Trix Cereal official mascot on August 4, 1959. It was his first, and only job. He had just observed his forty-seventh anniversary with General Mills, and plans for his fiftieth were already being discussed. Now, it will never happen. The silly rabbit will be sorely missed.
“We tried again and again to warn him,” said a little girl named AshleyMurphy while fighting back tears, “Trix are for kids. He must have thought we were just being mean.”
“We heard a horrible gurgling sound, and ran into the room. The poor guy was turning every color of the rainbow, was breaking out in hives, and struggling to breathe. He then started convulsing”, said General Mills employee Billy Smith. “By the time the veterinarian ambulance arrived, it was tool late. He was already gone.”
The rabbit was just a little bunny when he first auditioned for the role of the Trix Cereal official mascot on August 4, 1959. It was his first, and only job. He had just observed his forty-seventh anniversary with General Mills, and plans for his fiftieth were already being discussed. Now, it will never happen. The silly rabbit will be sorely missed.
What Gives?
An old hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up in his big book and says, “I’m sorry, but you’ll be going down to Hell.”
The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance.
“God!” he says. “What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we’d be in Heaven together forever!”
God thought for a minute, then said, “Oh yeah, but I was drunk.”
The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance.
“God!” he says. “What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you, and you said we’d be in Heaven together forever!”
God thought for a minute, then said, “Oh yeah, but I was drunk.”
Problem Solved?
A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.
Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.
He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.
Just then his cellphone rang. When he answered it, he discoveredit was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that thehomeowner had just called them in a panic.
It seems their son’s favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?
Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he saw a bulge the size of a cigarette pack under the new carpeting. He of course had no intention of pulling up the carpet, so instead he took a large mallet, and pounded the lump flat, so it could not be seen.
He then hopped in his truck and headed back to the office. On the way, he found his cigarettes in the glove compartment.
Just then his cellphone rang. When he answered it, he discoveredit was the dispatcher from his office. The dispatcher said that thehomeowner had just called them in a panic.
It seems their son’s favorite pet hamster was missing. Had the carpet layer seen the hamster while he was in the house?
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Fashion Change
This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.
"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.
"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"
Monday, December 21, 2009
Do you know what im doing?
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"
Friday, December 18, 2009
Twice a Week
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.
They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
The Honeymoon
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered.
The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered.
The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!"
Monday, December 14, 2009
A Smart Salesman!
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them.
He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
Another Miracle?
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Maxi Pad Letter
This is an actual letter from an Austin , Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine's 2007 Editors' Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . ..
Wendi Aarons Austin , TX
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . ..
Wendi Aarons Austin , TX
Thanks Doc
A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!".
Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
..next day...
patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It worked!". Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!". "Oh by the way, "Patient says, "You've got a great house!"
Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"
..next day...
patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for your advice. It worked!". Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!". "Oh by the way, "Patient says, "You've got a great house!"
Blonde Diagnosis
“Doc, you've got to help me,” said the cute young redhead. “I hurt all over.” “What do you mean?” asked the doctor. She touched her right knee with her finger. “Ow, that hurts.” She touched her left cheek. “Ow, that really hurts!” Then she touched her shoulder. “OW! Even THAT hurts!” The doctor grew suspicious. “Are you a natural blonde?” he asked. “Why, yes,” she replied. “how did you know?” “Oh, lucky guess,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”
Selling the Green Suit
A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, "Yeah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment. The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you?"
"Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fit him great. As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!"
Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.
The owner replies, "Yeah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"
Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment. The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.
"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you?"
"Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fit him great. As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!"
88.... 89
There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."
A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said, "Sure." So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."
So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street.
"88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."
A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said, "Sure." So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."
So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street.
"88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."
Be Careful What tattoo you Get...
This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world...
Until he went to prison.
Dirty Santa
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"
She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
The Robber Shot the Pregnant Lady
One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.
Her doctor told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.
All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.
"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".
"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the other girl came running into the room crying,
"I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"
"Yes" replied the girl.
"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy came running in crying,
"I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.
"No" replied the boy,
"I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"
Her doctor told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.
All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.
"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".
"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the other girl came running into the room crying,
"I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"
"Yes" replied the girl.
"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy came running in crying,
"I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.
"No" replied the boy,
"I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"
Genie (dirty)
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing a genie.
He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish.
He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish.
" The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?"
The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish."
The genie pauses for another moment and then says
"How would you define peace?"
He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish.
He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish.
" The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?"
The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish."
The genie pauses for another moment and then says
"How would you define peace?"
BS Protector
You've got to love our older Veterans. This man, 73, wears a protectiveflap over his ear while Senator Ted Kennedy, Barack O'Bama, and HilaryClinton address the Veterans of Foreign Wars. I wish I could shake thisman's hand.I just want to know where he got it....?
Death and Texas
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties..
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "Edinburgh."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Dont Forget the Coffee....
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.
He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blow job."
All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"
He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blow job."
All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"
Two brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Sounds to me like she's ....... ! ......been ....sweeping around!!!
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Sounds to me like she's ....... ! ......been ....sweeping around!!!
Drunk...
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine, "If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
Turner Brown
A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The Big guys sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says : 7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch dick, 3lb testicles, turner brown.
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: "whats wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says "What EXACTLY did you say to me?
"The big dude says: "i saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm, 7 feet tall, i weigh 350 pounds, i have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.
"the Small guy says " Turner Brown!! Oh Wow.... I thought you said TURN AROUND!"
The Big guys sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says : 7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch dick, 3lb testicles, turner brown.
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: "whats wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says "What EXACTLY did you say to me?
"The big dude says: "i saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm, 7 feet tall, i weigh 350 pounds, i have a 20 inch dick, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.
"the Small guy says " Turner Brown!! Oh Wow.... I thought you said TURN AROUND!"
Oil Change
Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee .
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave Jiffy Lube with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00B
ut you know the job was done right!
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee .
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave Jiffy Lube with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00B
ut you know the job was done right!
Mouse in the House
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Questions
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said."Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
Pulled Over
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Blonde Astronaut
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.
"They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips.
"Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.
"They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips.
"Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
At a Cafeteria
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting atthe counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the youngwoman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!”
“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break….”
“So would I,” sighed the girl, “but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break….”
Creation
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning’.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into thelikeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God,
“Get your own dirt.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well, ” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into thelikeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
“Oh no, no, no…” interrupts God,
“Get your own dirt.”
Modern age grocery store
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
Found It
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in hisdriveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lenswas no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with thelens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied.
“You werelooking for a small piece of plastic. I
was looking for $150.”
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with thelens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she replied.
“You werelooking for a small piece of plastic. I
was looking for $150.”
Moving to America
Chu, Bu, and Fu moved to America from china. When they got there, they decided to "Americanize" their names. So, Chu called himself "Chuck," Bu called himself "Buck," and Fu decided to go back to China.
Did You Know
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
A Man is talking to GOD
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Blonde on the Look out
A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?” The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?” The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”
Shocking Love
A little girl asked her grandpa if it would be very wrong of her to send a card to Osama on Valentine’s Day. The old man was visibly shocked and asked her why she wanted to do so.
“If I send him a card on Valentine’s Day, then he might think that I am not bad, and that little kids are not bad. So he might stop hating us and gradually stop hating others and also stop killing. Then he can come to us and say that he loves us” replied the little girl.
Her grandpa was really touched by this thought of his granddaughter and went to give her an appreciative hug, just when she said: “then when he comes out in the open, the army can shoot him !”
“If I send him a card on Valentine’s Day, then he might think that I am not bad, and that little kids are not bad. So he might stop hating us and gradually stop hating others and also stop killing. Then he can come to us and say that he loves us” replied the little girl.
Her grandpa was really touched by this thought of his granddaughter and went to give her an appreciative hug, just when she said: “then when he comes out in the open, the army can shoot him !”
Potatoes (blonde joke)
A blond, a brunette and a redhead escape from jail and decide to hide in a barn. As they hear the police closing in, they climb into the loft and hide in three empty burlap feed bags. A young officer climbed into the loft, shined his flashlight around, and decided to check the burlap bags.
He kicked the first bag containing the brunette, and she responded with a convincing "woof woof".
He kicked the second bag with the redhead inside, and she let out a perfect cat's meow.
"Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer responded to his superior.
Deciding to be sure, he kicked the last bag, the one containing the blonde.
She yelled out "potatoes!!!"
He kicked the first bag containing the brunette, and she responded with a convincing "woof woof".
He kicked the second bag with the redhead inside, and she let out a perfect cat's meow.
"Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer responded to his superior.
Deciding to be sure, he kicked the last bag, the one containing the blonde.
She yelled out "potatoes!!!"
Two Campers
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says.
"I just need to outrun you."
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says.
"I just need to outrun you."
Dirty joke
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Car Crash (blonde joke)
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Ma'am... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Ma'am... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
Granny+viagra+coffee=
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing.
" The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said.
"I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing.
" The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said.
"I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Dont talk to my Parrot
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Inseminate the Pigs
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. "One more try," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. "One more try," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"
Captured by Canibals
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
The blonde Swimmer
There are three women stranded on an island. One is brunette, one's a redhead, and the other one is a blonde. There is land in sight.
"I have an idea!" the redhead says. "We can swim there!"So the redhead jumps into the water, swims 1/4 of the way, and drowns.
The brunette says, "I'm a better swimmer. I can get there." She manages to swim 1/3 of the way and she drowns.The blonde dives into the water, swims 1/2 of the way, and looks around.
"I'm pretty tired." she says. "I'm gonna swim back."
"I have an idea!" the redhead says. "We can swim there!"So the redhead jumps into the water, swims 1/4 of the way, and drowns.
The brunette says, "I'm a better swimmer. I can get there." She manages to swim 1/3 of the way and she drowns.The blonde dives into the water, swims 1/2 of the way, and looks around.
"I'm pretty tired." she says. "I'm gonna swim back."
Why Its nice to be a dog
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it inpublic.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lapHaving big feet is considered an asset.I
f you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it inpublic.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lapHaving big feet is considered an asset.I
f you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
Michigan Kinder Class
A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.. Little Tyrone stood up and said:"Up against the wall mother fucker!"I guess there aren't a lot of farms in Detroit.....!!???
A Guy and a Snail
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
Proof that men have better friends
FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN:A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told herhusband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man calledhis wife's 10 best friends....None of them knew anything about it.
FRIENDSHIP AMONG MEN:A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wifethat he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called herhusband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over,and two said he was still there.
FRIENDSHIP AMONG MEN:A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wifethat he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called herhusband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over,and two said he was still there.
Hospital (nasty)
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man,
"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it,
"I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
"He needs a pair of your underwear!"
The doctor says to the old man,
"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it,
"I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
"He needs a pair of your underwear!"
Puzzle *blonde Joke*
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it.
"Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellogg's Frosted Flakes back in the box."
"Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellogg's Frosted Flakes back in the box."
The Stanley Cup Final (Straight F*d Up!)
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They're all at the funeral."
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They're all at the funeral."
The Wrong Approach
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blow job?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blow job?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
Flight to New york *blonde joke*
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.'
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.'
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'
Dumbest Kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
Man Test
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Homo...
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat....'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so gay
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet or boobs. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably gay.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as light in the loafers as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've undoubtedly had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are very likely a peter puffer.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the asshole off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, smoke, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami straddler.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat....'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so gay
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet or boobs. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably gay.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as light in the loafers as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've undoubtedly had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are very likely a peter puffer.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the asshole off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, smoke, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami straddler.
Good One
A Harley mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic?straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...'Try doing it with the engine running'.
My Daddy Is An EXOTIC DANCER
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Joey. was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Joey aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No', the boy said, 'He is a defensive lineman for the Detroit Lions but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.'
Marriage Rules
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Going Home Early - Blonde Joke
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know? The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early. The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date. The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house. The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
What do i look like?
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Good wrench?"Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
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